Relieving
by Lavenderangel
Summary: Okay. She can do this. Breathe. She has to do this. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It's going to be okay. It has to be okay. Breathe. Paige centric.


Title: Relieving Author: Lala Spoilers: Shout, How Soon is Now, Whisper to a Scream, Never Gonna Give you up, Don't dream it's Over, and The Ghost in the Machine.  
Rating: PG for mentioning of rape and cutting. Not as dark as this makes it sound, I promise.  
Summary: Okay. She can do this. Breathe. She has to do this. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It's going to be okay. It has to be okay. Breathe.  
Author's Notes: I haven't seen The Ghost in the Machine. I've read spoilers, but all you need to know is that this mentions the court case against Dean. I'm sorry if anyone's out of character and if this drags in parts. Please give honest feedback. Constructive criticism wanted.  
Disclaimer: None of the characters within belong to me.  
  
When she was in middle school, she thought the most nerve-wracking thing was studying for exams. Maybe asking out a really hot guy was worse, but nothing topped that.  
  
When she entered high school, she learned the real meaning of nervous. Not nervous. Terror. The kind that made your heart pound and your palms sweat and you want to cry out for help to make it stop; to make him stop, but you can't.  
  
She hates that feeling. It creeps up on her sometimes, when she's not expecting it. In her nightmares. When Spinner drapes a casual arm around her. When anyone says the word spirit.  
  
She doesn't have posttraumatic stress. She hardly has nightmares about it. Or at least, she didn't.  
  
For nearly a year she was almost able to forget. Not forget it, as though it had never happened; that would never happen. Could never happen.  
  
But Rick. He'd brought it all back. What he'd done to Teri… Teri, who for so long she'd taken for granted. Teri, who had chosen her over Ashley. Teri, who was so much stronger; so much better than her.  
  
Teri, who'd been too blind to see. Oh, how she could identify with that.  
  
If only she'd known. If only she'd warned her. She should have told her.  
  
But she hadn't.  
  
Teri was all right though, and for a time so was she. She spent time with Spinner and went shopping with Hazel.  
  
But now there was no more forgetting. The thing she'd vowed to do over a year ago was finally happening.  
  
She was going to have to testify against him. Against Dean. Just thinking the name makes her skin crawl.  
  
Grade eleven's starting, but she barely notices. She and Spinner have been going out for over a year and he's being all kinds of wonderful, but it's lost on her.  
  
People are starting to notice. Ashley's tried to talk to her several times; Spinner's kept a close eye on her. They ask her what's wrong, if they can help. Tell her not to worry.  
  
Easy for them to say.  
  
She feels the new kind of nervous all the time now. She can't put it out of her mind. Just the thought of seeing him brings back every second of that night.  
  
She remembers the feel of his fingers on her skin. The taste of his kisses; hard and rough and crushing.  
  
She remembers his smile. The way his voice sounded. Anything and everything she yearns to forget.  
  
She wants to say something about it to someone but she doesn't know what. She can't breathe.  
  
She just wants the pain to go away. It has to. It's killing her from the inside out.  
  
She's been eying her raiser a lot lately. She'll pick it up in the shower and catch herself about to slice into her forearm.  
  
But it's getting harder and harder to resist.  
  
Her own words echo back to her.  
  
It's wrong. What she wants to do is wrong. It's hurting herself.  
  
But she's already hurting so much… will a little more make any difference? She'll break if she can't do something. It's getting too hard to pretend anymore.  
  
But no. She won't. She can't.  
  
Ashley passes her a note in math class. Maybe she thinks it will be easier on Paige if she writes down what's bothering her but it won't be.  
  
She crumples the note and asks if she can use the bathroom.  
  
She splashes cold water on her face. It smears her make up which was getting ruined anyway. Tinted tears streak her cheeks and she slides to the floor, barely making a sound.  
  
She lets out tiny breaths, hoping no one will hear. She needs to go back to class. She should at least go in a stall but she can't bring herself to move.  
  
Okay. She can do this. Breathe. She has to do this. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It's going to be okay. It has to be okay. Breathe.  
  
---  
  
It looms ever closer. Sleep is near impossible; she can't avoid seeing him at least once a night.  
  
She walks down the hall stiffly, wanting to listen to Hazel but not being able to. Someone bumps her and her bag falls to the ground.  
  
She hears the feint shattering of glass and tears flood her eyes for no reason at all.  
  
She grabs her bag and runs, jerking out of Spinner's anxious grasp. She forces the tears away as she runs in the bathroom.  
  
Placing it on the counter she rummages around to see what's been broken. Her make up case is being saturated and she pulls it out.  
  
It's her red nail polish. Reaching inside to see if anything can be salvaged, she feels a slight stab of pain. She's cut her finger on the remains of the bottle. Blood and paint mix until she can't tell where one ends and the other begins.  
  
She gingerly gathers up the bits of glass and starts to throw them away. "Just do it," a part of her screams. "Just put them in the trash and clean yourself up!"  
  
But the majority of her mind rebels. A small trickle of blood drips from her index finger and the sick part of her longs for more.  
  
With hands that shake she puts the biggest piece of glass to her wrist. She presses down slowly, waiting for the blood. Praying for a release.  
  
A hand touches her shoulder and she turns sharply. She thinks it's Hazel but it's not.  
  
"You sure you want to do that?" Paige expects her to try and take the glass but she doesn't. She tries to speak but no words come out.  
  
"I'm not gonna stop you. As long as you're sure you want to do it."  
  
Tears break lose like the blood she thought would help. She shakes her head but doesn't let go of the shard of glass. She needs to do it; she needs… something.  
  
But she can't. She just can't.  
  
"I… I don't…" I don't know," she finally manages. "I just… I just need it to stop…"  
  
Ellie doesn't answer and Paige tries unsuccessfully to bite back a sob.  
  
"It doesn't," Ellie finally says. "Not forever. For a little while things seem okay but then reality sets in and nothing's really changed."  
  
Paige doesn't know what to say but she wants to stop crying and can't and she wants to run but doesn't and she's scared. She's so scared. As with days before she slides to the cold tile floor and cries. She attempts to hold back the sobs but they won't listen anymore; they've been kept inside too long.  
  
She feels a hand on her shoulder and flinches. Ellie removes her hand but Paige knows she's close.  
  
A minute later Ellie picks up Paige's clenched fist. With slow gentleness that Paige hadn't expected she pries Paige's fingers apart. Carefully, she takes the piece of glass from her.  
  
"You don't want to do that." It's a statement but she some how phrases it as a question.  
  
"N-no… I d-d-don't. But I… I have to do s-something." She doesn't even know what she's saying or if Ellie can understand the words cut up by sobs but she can't stop.  
  
Vaguely, she's aware of Ellie's arm coming around her shoulders. For a quick second she sees him and wants to jerk away but doesn't. Ellie sees her reaction and starts to pull back but before Paige quite realizes what she's doing she's stopping her.  
"D-don't? P - Plea - ease don't."  
  
"Okay." And she doesn't say anything else but she keeps her arm around Paige and sometimes strokes her back and plays with her hair and Paige just lets her and cries.  
  
And when she's done and they're both sore from sitting on the floor and 30 minutes late for class Paige gives Ellie a ghost of a smile.  
  
"Um thanks." Her voice is raw and still a bit unsteady but she feels… Different. Not better; she's still terrified. But someone knows and hadn't tried to understand or take the pain away and that makes things livable again.  
  
"Sure." Ellie returns Paige's smile and they stand up and Ellie grabs her bag. She starts walking toward the door and Paige reaches out and touches her arm.  
  
Ellie turns and before Paige realizes what she's doing she's hugging her. Ellie seems surprised but then she hugs Paige back and they just stand there for a second.  
  
Paige pulls away and gives Ellie an embarrassed grin. "Sorry," she mumbles. She's not used to feeling awkward; she'd supposed to be cool and self assured but she's not used to anything these days.  
  
Ellie grins hesitantly and doesn't say anything. She leaves and after reapplying her make u, so does Paige.  
  
And when she sees Ellie in the halls now she'll sometimes smile or Ellie will wave. And knowing Ellie cares somehow makes things a tiny bit easier. 


End file.
